Category: Joke Board
NEW RULES FOR 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the quarterback of the football team
is doing these days: selling auto parts.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids:
lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat,
iced vanilla, double- shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God your girlfriend wasn't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're
just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The
Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up
the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
it's a version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want
to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't
really care in the first place.
Great rules.
Bill Mahr is cool! Thanks for posting.
lurve those rules! they're so true!